Ah geez, I really am supposed to eat before I jump. But I really don’t want anything here.

Honestly, I never did get used to your food. Your too-cold supermarkets and their rows-upon-rows of prepackaged grains. It was like eating dust. Like chewing on stale biscuits that had been flavor-scented.

Like, if it’s got a scent maybe you won’t notice how dry they are?

Yet, you gotta fit in. So I did. I shopped, bought, and ate the same stuff your kind did. To survive.

And that’s all I thought I’d do, survive. That is, until you.

I didn’t expect it. Love. How weird I must’ve been, but you still loved me.

But, standing in front of the frozen meat, trying to decide between boneless chicken and steak, some assholes from my kingdom ruined all that. So here I am. Trying to summarize eons of history, years of hidden parts of me, seconds before I leave.

And I told myself I’d never do any serious relationship on a voicemail. But I know. You’re asleep. Damned nightshift. Gods, I hope the damned signal is strong enough for this to send.

Sorry, I know. I’m rambling. And skirting the point.

I don’t know how to start. How do I tell you that everything about me is a lie? Obviously not the important things, but. Shit. I can’t begin at the beginning. That would take too long. Definitely don’t have time for David Copperfield’s stroll through memories.

Uhm. Well. My kind.

Jeez.

Look, everyone knows about dinosaurs, right? Except, we’re not, exactly? Not the ones your fossil records have. We disappeared, right, but they didn’t, so you have their records. And then we kind of pulled magic out of your realm, so that altered everything here. Just enough to be strange. For me, at least.

And, yeah, I’ve heard the jokes. The conspiracy theories that nobody believes? Lizard people. Ooh, right? Terrifying stuff. Terrifyingly bad, anyway.

Yet. There is some element of truth?

Though, honestly, I thought I was the only one. I didn’t think anyone else would even try to get over here. Until those knuckleheads tackled me in the grocery store. Tore my favorite pair of jeans. You know, the ones you bought? Because they’re a bit snug, you said. Because you like the way they hug my calves.

But, I guess they’d look out of place anyway, over in my realm. We never really got around to the whole pants thing. Which, weird, right? You’d think? Except we evolved differently. I mean, our species were already so different, it’s not really a surprise.

Then we went and split the whole universe. Just, sealed you guys over here without looking back.

It’s a wonder that a lack of pants is one of the biggest differences in how we dress.

We do like a good jacket though.

It’s the cold-blooded thing. I am so glad you like the apartment hot. Oh, but don’t worry, we don’t shut down like our remnants do, in the cold. We evolved specialized heat-distribution organs. Better layers of fat. Everything you’d expect to happen after a few million years.

So, nights when you turned up the air conditioning, I was okay. I mean, after all, I just scooted a little closer to you. You mammals have the hottest bodies. Well, yours especially. Gods, I’m gonna miss you.

Gods. Funny, I’m already reverting. My mind is going a million meters a minute, but here I am going through changes I’ll have to make. To prevent some weird faux paus. Can you imagine. Going back to dino-earth and talking nonsense about dino-christ?

Right. I’m getting off topic again. And, sirens. I think the police are almost here. Not that they could do anything, but when do they let that stop them?

Anyway. So, here’s the deal. I have to go.

I’m from another realm. It’s literally right here, a hair’s width away from your realm. A micron. A proton’s distance from a neutron.

I ran away because they were going to kill me. There’s this whole clan of mages that wanted me dead, and I did sort of kill their sacred eddafae. Uhm, it’s a giant insect thing with potent poisonous secretions that- You know what, doesn’t matter.

I stole their shit, and they tried to kill me. It started a bit of war, and so I escaped to ape-earth. The spell was always theoretical, but also illegal, but I figured that I was already kind of toast as far the law was concerned. Let me tell you, the Eddafanian Society is deep in bed with law enforcement.

Now, I guess they sent people after me. You’ll probably see it on the news, huh? I wouldn’t be surprised. You’re gonna see some crazy video. There are at least six cameras on this aisle. So, they’ll get a good view of the siekel and nafaller that came to pick me up. I’m sure people will freak.

Oh, siekel are like, a moose-sized ape-earth human, except imagine they’re descended from a stegosaurus? And nafaller are tiny pipsqueaks, a meter tall at most, though honestly they can be traced back to the diplodocus so don’t ask me how that worked out. What it really means is that they’re not like me, they can’t pass for human. And they weren’t very good with their totems anyway.

Whatever, it was madness, pure madness. People just cleared out of here. So, I had a little bit of time. Which is why I wanted to record something. Send you something.

Before I leave. I mean.

Shit.

I don’t want to go. I love you, Collin.

It’s so stupid, I mean, not us. But this. This is so stupid.

I have to go though. If I don’t, they’ll send more bounty-hunters over here. I don’t know if they recreated my spell, or if someone else already had it, but now there’s bound to be more. I have to go put up a counter-ward to keep them from breaking through.

I can’t imagine what would happen if one of the arch-wizards comes through. With their blood-purity shit? No way.

Not letting that happen.

But, alright.

I really have to go now.

The portal is collapsing, and the cops are right outside.

I’m serious. I love you Collin.

And uh, I guess, my real name is Eylandris. Landon was close enough, right?

Oh, shit. Don’t shoot! Look! I’m unarmed, I’m unarmed!

Shit. Guess they’ll get video of me disappearing. Bye, Collin. I’ll miss you.

Effassi, coletanna pes!